Facing my Fears

This is my last of three posts regarding how we came to the decision to go the route of public schooling after eight years of homeschooling.  When we first began entertaining the thought of public school, I had many, many fears swarming around inside of my head.  Did I happen to mention many?  As fears often do, they had grown to monstrous proportions.  God reminds me daily, as sometimes these fears still come to the forefront of my mind, that He did not give me a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).  He is not the author of fear--the enemy is.  God gives us discernment, but not fear.  Too often, Christians like to call something discernment, rather than calling it what it really is--fear.  I know, because I've done it.  However, there is a fine line between discernment and fear--what one person might choose to do or not do based on discernment, may be the exact same choice someone else makes out of fear.  As we are all living in different places in different circumstances and have our own unique callings, we must take our decisions to the Lord in prayer.  We must line up our decisions with what God's Word says to be true.  Prayer is especially important in the gray areas where God's Word doesn't speak specifically (such as school).  We would be wise to be still and listen for His guidance in such matters.

I am going to list my public school fears by bullet points and discuss them one by one.

• If my children go to public school, we will never have time together as a family.

This bullet point, hands down, was the reason I held onto homeschooling probably even a little longer than I was supposed to.  I did not want to be a family that was never home together.  I did not want to become a disconnected family, running in our own independent directions.  I wanted our family to be cohesive and together the majority of the time.  My biggest fear was that if I put my children into school, our family would lose its cohesiveness.  I felt very strongly about this.

I have been pleasantly surprised that going to public school hasn't caused this to happen the least bit.  I'm serious.  If anything--and I know it will sound strange to some of you--I feel like it has become more cohesive.  For one, our children all do the same sport and they do it together.  This is such a blessing, because it helps with the crazy cycle of running a hundred different directions.  They all practice together right after school until 5:00 PM.  So we are able to eat dinner together every night as a family.  I find our dinners to be lively and talkative--each wants to tell the rest about their day.  It's very hard to get any words in edgewise.  

When I homeschooled, I was so mentally and physically exhausted by the time dinner rolled around that it took every bit of everything in me to engage.
  

When I homeschooled, I felt like that after awhile what I said to them became like Charlie Brown's teacher in their ears.  I'm pretty sure they began tuning me out after a while.  They got tired of hearing from me and me alone 24/7.  I don't blame them.  My mouth got tired.  Now, I find that they can't wait to tell me about things, especially struggles and especially in the night hours.  They want to talk to me and come to me.  And I'm not too tired to talk to them at night.  I'm refreshed.  I'm ready to go at night, rather than ready to collapse.

When I homeschooled, I felt like it was very, very difficult to take off the 'teacher's hat' and lay it down.  I felt like every second had to be a teachable moment; thus, I had a hard time just spending time together and enjoying one another.  Since I am not solely baring their education on my shoulders like I used to, I am finding myself able to relax and just enjoy.   

• If my children go to public school, their morals will go to hell in a hand basket

I really did think this.  Honestly, they keep them so incredibly busy at school, I do not worry about this one like I used to.  And even if they are exposed to some things that they otherwise wouldn't be, is that such a bad thing?  It creates a situation for us to talk through, think through and pray through.  It creates an environment that allows them to possibly choose to do the wrong thing.  Rather than having a cow that they might fail, shouldn't I view such circumstances as blessings, for isn't it through our failures and mistakes that we often grow the most? 

I am honestly WAY more concerned with the influence of the media in our culture than I am with what they might see or learn at public school.  If you ask me, the images and filth that is delivered into homes via television, books, the internet, video games, and even facebook and instagram are main culprits causing many issues in our young people these days.  Couple this with the breakdown of the family, runaway excess and the entitlement factor...yes, there's no wonder that  respect is going out the door by the time our children hit middle school.  


Am I keeping an eagle's eye on the books my children are checking out of the school library?  Definitely.  However, so far at the grade school level I haven't seen one yet that was even close to brow raising.  Middle school is one I've monitored quite closely--actually made Sophie take one back that she had checked out the other day.  Yet, it gave us reason to discuss why that probably wasn't a good choice, what constitutes a good choice, etc.

• If my children go to public school, they will be brainwashed to believe things contrary to their faith

I, again, go back to the influence that media is having on our culture...that is where I think we need to be doing some careful monitoring--homeschoolers and public schoolers alike.  If you are reading this and thinking, 'well, we just watch ESPN so we are good.'  Ummm, have you checked out the commercials lately?
I am not saying throw out your television (and we have a television, in case you are wondering, and we 9 times out of 10 have it tuned into ESPN)--everyone has different convictions regarding such--but I am saying we need to be consciously aware of the images getting monogrammed on our children's minds.    
       

• If my children go to public school, their education will not be up to par

Well, here is what I found to be true when I homeschooled.  There is only one of me and I cannot do 1,000 things to the glory of God.  I just can't.  There is a limit to what I can do.  Period.  The more children I homeschooled, the more I found that I couldn't teach them well at everything because there isn't enough of me.  And even if there was enough of me, I have subjects that I stink at (ummm, like Science).  Hence, my teaching is going to be weak in some areas.  Same is true with public school--sometimes your children are going to have teachers that are completely out to lunch , yet sometimes they are going to have teachers that are remarkably gifted at what they do.  So, the way I see it, it's six half, dozen or another...Me, weak as a teacher in some subjects and not enough of me to go around vs. sometimes getting stinky teachers in public school.  Maybe it just all shakes out about the same at the end?  

Maybe my homeschooling comrades are shouting at the computer screen right about now--'You can buy video/computer resources or send them to a two day a week school that takes you as a teacher out of the picture!'  Yes, you can buy video curriculums and such that will teach your children for you; however, such curriculums are extremely expensive and not in a ministry budget.  Yes, you can send them to 'two-day' a week schools.  Yet, again, to do so is quite expensive, especially for five children.

• If my children go to public school, I will not be their primary influencer anymore

Well, maybe that's a good thing?  I'm just kidding.  Eric and I ARE still their primary influencers and we are the ones that they spend the most time with right now--especially one on one time.  And I really really want my kids to have other adults speaking into their lives--goodness, there is such value in that.  I can't begin to tell you the influence that some of my coaches and teachers had on me.  It was monumental.  And if a teacher or someone comes into their lives that I am not that crazy about?  Well, first, I have every right to remove them from that situation, if it warrants it.  Usually, though, situations like that are an opportunity for growth...to pray and let God be their defender...to give our children the opportunity to represent Christ...to learn the fact that they may be persecuted for their faith.  

And, part of the process of growing up and leaving us is doing this little by little, step by step.

• If my children go to public school, they will get an attitude

Actually, my children are going to get an attitude if I have an attitude.  My children are going to get an attitude if I make them the center of my world and give them everything they ask for.  Attitudes usually stem from entitlement.  I also often wonder if attitudes stem from the shows targeting our young people...with that in mind, please refer back to all comments regarding media.  

• If I send my kids to public school, homeschooling friends might view me  giving up and quitting...they might even judge me.

Yes, no matter what we do, we are probably going to be sized up and judged by someone somewhere.  But that is not for me to concern myself with.  Eric and I are the ones that are responsible for our children and raising them how we feel God is leading us.  Yes, some may feel like we are giving up, even though we believe we are letting go.  People may judge what we do, but in the end, we live for an audience of one and that is really all that matters.

Besides, if they are judging me, then they are sinning and that's not my problem.  However, if I'm worried about them judging me, then I'm trying to seek the approval of man and I 'm judging their judging.  Oh, yeah, that makes me a sinner too.  Oh me, we all fall so short, don't we?

Bottom line, if you are trying to decide between schooling publicly, privately or at home, go to the Father and ask Him for His plan for your family.  It always trumps any perfect plan we think we got going on down here on Earth.  It trumps Ivy Leagues.  It trumps Latin-learning.  It trumps Classical, Charlotte Mason or straight up traditional.  His plan takes into effect so much more than we can see.  His plan takes into effect the hidden gems that only He can reveal, the hidden gems that often are discovered in the most unusual and far-fetched places.  

His plan is birthed out of faith, not fear.

Only His plan is the perfect plan.  Period.  And probably is way more concerned with this:

 When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.  Acts 4:13

See You at the Pole

As students gathered this morning in prayer in West Kentucky at See You At the Pole, I happened upon a verse so fitting that it about tore my insides out:

'From the west, men will fear the name of the LORD, and from the rising of the sun, they will revere his glory. For he will come like a pent-up flood that the breath of the LORD drives along.'  Isaiah 59:19

Love this verse.  Love this picture.  

Heavenly Father,

May you bring a fear of the Lord among the young men and women in West KY... may they revere Your glory...may You breath life into them, may a pent-up flood of Your Spirit rush upon them.

In the Powerful Name of Jesus,
Amen.

Faith vs. Fear...in our schooling decision

When our oldest turned five, we also had a three-year-old and new-born in tow.  We had just moved to Louisville a few months prior.  It was February, the month when parents all over the city were making decisions about school.  We had moved to Louisville thinking we were putting our children in public school.  We had even bought our home based on the school district that it was in.

Yet, as Eric and I began praying and visiting schools, we felt God tugging us in the direction of homeschooling.  

HOMESCHOOLING???

The thought scared me death.  What would I teach?  How would I take care of a three-year-old and a newborn while teaching?  What if I wasn't smart enough?  The questions were endless.

One way God has often confirmed His plan to me throughout my Christian walk is with tears.  I am typically not a crier.  I have friends who are so sensitive that they shed tears at the drop of a hat.  I wish God had made me a little more like that.  I have even prayed over the years 'some more tears would be nice, please!'.   But, so far, he hasn't answered that one yet.

--EXCEPT--

Except when he is showing us His plan.  THEN, He most often will confirm it through tears.

And that is exactly what He did.  As we sat at an informational meeting for a local cottage school, I became overcome with emotion.  It was at that moment that I knew.  We were definitely supposed to homeschool.  And we were supposed to use this school to do it.


So we felt the calling to homeschool and we stood at a crossroads--

A crossroads of faith.

Oh, but I was scared.  I had so much doubt.  The biggest fear that loomed in the back of my head was 'what if I fail?  What if they don't learn anything?  Or, even worse, what if I make my children stupid?'

Certainly, this was going to take God's supernatural ability, because there was no way I was going to be able to do this on my own. Did I have enough faith to trust Him?  To step out and do this thing that felt impossible?  Did I have enough faith to battle the doubts so strategically shot by the enemy?

Eph. 6:16 tells us, 'In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.'  Yes, I would be badgered daily by thoughts meant to hinder and cause doubt, but if I was going to walk in faith than I must give no attention to them.  Instead, I must find promises in His Word with which to replace the negativity.  Promises such as in 1 Thess. 5:24: 'the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.' 

Yes, if He was calling us, then He would do it.  He would come through.

(Brief Sidenote:  Let me just tell you that I battled these questions the entire eight years I homeschooled.  It was the enemy, plaguing me with doubt and seizing me with fear.  I am quite certain it is the greatest struggle that every homeschooling mom faces.)

Thus, our homeschooling adventure began.  If you picture us sitting together, holding hands and singing kumbaya--ummmm, please erase that image.   Not even close!  No, it was more like unorganized chaos, as toddlers threw toys in the midst of my phonics teaching session.  Yes, this would more accurately describe it.  

God kept us on this path for eight years.  Six 1/2 of those years were filled with an underlying peace that we were right in the midst of God's will.  However, in the middle of our sixth year of homeschooling, something slowly began changing.  Little by little, I began to lose my passion and my drive for schooling our children.  Instead of being a joy, it began becoming a chore.  Instead of feeling overwhelming peace, I began to feel overwhelmingly stressed.  

Of course all of these feelings, thoughts and emotions brought with it shame, inadequacy, condemnation and failure.  

Believing the problem was in me, I began trying to 'fix' me.  I prayed more.  I worked harder.  I went to the homeschooling conference and bought every CD from every session I couldn't attend.  You name it, I did it.  

Yet, the more I tried, the more I felt a weight on my shoulders.  Have you ever felt that way?  Like something was physically pushing down on you?  Like you were carrying something  that God didn't mean for you to carry?

Then last February, God clearly showed us that Joshua was to go to public school for eighth grade.  It was so clear that it almost felt like He wrote it in the sky.  We took Joshua to visit all of the middle schools in Paducah and landed on the one that we felt God was leading us too.  As soon as we made that decision, a little weight came off my shoulders.  I felt a little freer.

Before the school year was over, I went and visited all of the public elementary schools in Paducah.  I honestly still thought we were going to homeschool, but thought I better check them out 'just in case'.

As summer began, Eric and I began praying, discussing and wrestling over this decision ...and I found us once again at full circle...

at a crossroads of faith

Whereas in our earlier decision, I was having to trust God to do through me what I couldn't, this kind of faith was the complete opposite.  This kind of faith required letting go and relinquishing control.  

Ouch.

I began to realize this decision in a lot of ways was going to take a whole lot more faith than before.  

While I had fear regarding the decision to homeschool,  the fears to send them to school seemed to overtake me.

What if they don't learn anything of value except potty talk on the playground?  If they are going to be at school eight hours a day, how will I be able to influence them for good?  What if following the crowd becomes more important than their faith?  What if their desire to learn is overtaken by their desire to socialize? What if their taught something contrary to God's Word?  What if my twelve year old daughter becomes a disrespectful teenage girl?  What if ...what if...what if...what if...?

And one morning as I talked to God about it I sensed him tell me ever so clearly:

'In whom do you trust?  Me and my supernatural ability or your ability?  Why all your premature judgments?  You've never had your children in public school so what do you know about it, anyway?  All of your 'what-if's' stem from fear.  I did not give you a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind.'

He brought me face to face with scriptures such as 1 Cor. 2:5: so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.

 And face to face with my sin.  My faith was resting in men's wisdom (wisdom that homeschooling was superior), not on God's power.  My faith was resting in my ability and my work, not in surrendering this area to the Lord and allowing Him to work.  I realized that sending them to school was going to require a dependency on Him like never before, for I wouldn't be able to be there at all times--protecting, watching and controlling.  

I recalled Hebrews 10:38:  'But my righteous one will live by faith.  And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.'  Oh, if I was shrinking back out of fear and fear alone, the Lord would not be pleased with that.  

I read Hebrews 11:8: 'By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.'  Now, obviously neither you nor I am Abraham and neither you nor I had his unique calling, but as believers there is much we can apply from this verse.  Specifically, that faith requires us to step out and do that which we do not know the outcome.  To step out and do that which seems risky.  I realized that homeschooling had been my insurance policy--insurance that my children would become good little Christian children just because I was teaching them at home.  I was putting my hope and my trust in a formula, in what seemed to 'make sense' from men's wisdom (that the one who spends the bulk of five days a week with my children will be the one to have the most influence on them).

To be honest, that was the thing I was having the most difficulty with.  Was allowing my children to learn from someone else wrong?  Was it going to corrupt them?  Because somewhere along the way in my innermost innermost, I had begun to believe that.

God convicted me and brought me to my knees over such prideful, Pharisee-like thoughts.  Such thinking took God--our supernatural God who can do more than we could ever ask or imagine--out of the equation.  

Then, God brought to mind the tears.  The tears I had had to choke back the day I had went to visit the elementary school.  The tears that had surfaced when the principal walked me through the colorful school and called every student she saw 'friend.'  The tears I had  when a mother stopped us in the hallway to show us the picture of a birthday greeting her child's teacher had sent to her child while on maternity leave.

Once again, He had spoken through the tears.

And so--with tears--I resigned this area to him, not knowing what the outcome would be, but knowing this was His way for us and we needed to walk in it.

I marveled at the fact that in one season of my life God had burdened me to homeschool and in another season it had become the burden that He had beckon me to remove.  I marveled at how differently He speaks to each one of us, calling us to different places and different things at different times.     

That day as the decision was made, the monkey left my back, the ten ton weight slipped off my shoulders.  

I felt lighter.  I felt freer.  

And I began walking with a little spring in my step, a spring that had been missing for quite some time. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  

Matt. 11:28

'That is that which I seek for, even to be rid of this heavy burden; but get it off my self I cannot: nor is there a man in our Country that can take it off my shoulders; therefore am I going this way, as I told you, that I may be rid of my burden.'   Pilgrim's Progress 

Why I choose to homeschool my children

A little over a month ago, four days after we moved from Louisville to Paducah, I guess we thought there wasn't enough change going on in our life...because after homeschooling for eight years, we decided it was time to put all five of our kids in public school.  I felt a little bit like this picture:

While most people experience sending their children off one at a time, I got to experience them leaving all at once.  Yep.  It was definitely like jumping in an ice cold pool head first.

I guess you are confused right about now about the title of this post?  Well, the fact is, they may go to public school, but I am still homeschooling.  Every evening for about three or four hours, I get to check school work, explain confusing concepts, read aloud to my littles, help study for tests, send a misbehaving one to his room...all of the things I used to do during the day.  I am just no longer the one having to also come up with all of the assignments and teach them.  My tired, weary soul finds this to be a beautiful thing :).  

School has definitely been an adjustment.  And--a month later--we are still adjusting to new routines, new times to get up, managing our time wisely, studying for tests...the list goes on and on.  Overall, though, it's been a really good thing for our family.  So good, in fact, that I find myself wanting to shout from the rooftops about it.  

I have been hesitant, though.  I find myself trying not to be too overzealous over the fact that it has been such a great experience.  I know that strong feelings exist on both sides of the homeschool/public school debate and honestly, I've heard the strong opinions a little more than I've cared to.  I've had to bite my lip when I've listened to people proclaim why their choice of how they do school is the best way.  The truth is, it might be the 'best' way--for them and their children.  But it might not be the best way for someone else.  Thank goodness that God has different plans for different people and it doesn't always have to look the same for everybody.  I mean, the world would be a pretty boring place, if that were the case, don't you think?  

The truth is we are all guilty of wanting to persuade those around us that our way is the best way.  The fact that I've wanted to shout from the rooftops how well school is going is no exception.  Remember that little mishap that got Satan thrown out of heaven?  Pride?  It's always there tempting us, isn't it?  

If you are wrestling over whether you should send your child to school or homeschool, I encourage you to first and foremost make it a matter of prayer.  Yes, you can ask other's in regards to their opinions and experiences, but at the end of the day, it really boils down to what God's will is for your unique family.  So, don't take a poll of your closest friends.  Don't just do something because everyone else is doing it.  Don't make your decision out of fear.  Pray, pray and pray some more until you sense God leading you in the direction He would have you to go.  

God cares about all the little details, even the choices we make regarding school.  He yearns for us to come to Him with such matters.  He promises in James 1:5 that 'If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.' 

So here's the deal.  

Over the next several blog posts, I will be sharing our pilgrimage into public school. 
If you happen to be on the fence regarding school, please remember, this is our unique story.  It may or may not be what God would have you do.  So, please read with cautionary discernment and file it away as one fellow sojourner's point of view...and then get on those prayer boots and see what God would have you to do. 

Strong-willed

Strong-willed.

Strong-willed is what I called him.  

He made that known within six weeks of his first breath.  Screaming and crying for hours tended to be his established routine.  Being a new mama, I tried not to take it personally.

Tried.  

As my mama-friends whizzed around taking their newborn out to dinner, to the mall or to the store, I wondered why I couldn't?  Why did my baby cry non-stop every single time I tried to step out of the house...and literally WOULD NOT STOP until I came back home?  

...even tried all that Growing Kids stuff, but he wouldn't submit.  He just cried.  Non-stop.

Strong-willed.  

Strong-willed is what I called him in his toddler years when he would throw a hair-raising tantrum, lasting longer than I care to admit.

I tried not take it personally.

Tried.

Then one day, I heard a radio program in regards to strong-willed children.  I tuned in closely.  Today, I couldn't tell you anything they said except this one statement that I clung to tightly:

...the trait in your young child that you see as 'difficult' right now, is the same trait that most likely will become his greatest strength...

I honestly wasn't sure I believed them, for sometimes it's hard to see the forest amidst the trees.

And then one day I blinked and that toddler was in second grade.  And I watched a struggling reader resolve to not give up.  Day after day that boy gave it his all.  He was determined to conquer the difficult.  It was a fierce battle, but conquer he did. 

And I got a small glimpse of a weakness becoming a strength.

A few more blinks and I found myself face to face with a teenager, who along the way had found something into which to channel all that will.  

That something was running.

Day in, day out I watched our first-born focus and harness that strong-will, bringing it into submission, pouring it into a sport that demanded his all. 

Those of us on the sideline marveled at his dedication, his discipline, his resolve...and before my very eyes, I watched God transform a weakness into a strength.

The cross country season unofficially kicks-off in the Louisville area at the St. X. Tiger Run.  With teams traveling far and wide, it has some of the fiercest competition around.  Joshua and the rest of our children consider it 'the meet of all meets'.  Last November when we broke the news to them that we were moving to Paducah, they all had an unanimous request:  'Can we come back and run the Tiger Run?'  

So last Saturday morning bright and early we found ourselves on the corner of Zorn and River Road, lined up with hundreds of other fans at the finish line of the middle school race...wondering who would come around the bin first.

Midway our first-born had been with the front runners.  

So I waited.  Hopeful.

Finally, the fans began cheering as the leader emerged.

It was Joshua.  Ahead of the pack by a good nine seconds.

While others saw a young man,  jaw-set and determined to win,

His mama had a flashback to earlier days.  Yes, I had seen this face before--

brow-furrowed, ill-tempered, intensity high...

...not giving up, but stubbornly fighting to the end...  

And what had once been temper-thrown angry-browed, uncontrolled will, had been channeled and harnessed for good.


...And that trait in my young child that I saw as 'difficult' was the same trait that had become his greatest strength...

Awarded for it even.

Strong-willed.

Strong-willed is what we call him.

These days, I have no problem taking it personally.